I have a mouth full of wax. I can feel little gritty pieces in my back molars and a thin sheen on the back of my front teeth. I am trying to pick it off, but am slowly resigning myself to the fact that I’m probably going to have to just gargle with some boiling water. Maybe that will also clear out the coating in the back of my throat that only constant swallowing has prevented from being lodged in my trachea.

Why do I have a mouth full of wax?

That’s an excellent question, the answer to which is: bees are jerks. And, of course: I am an idiot…

I suppose I should explain why I was making Mint Ginger (Unintentional) Wax Tea. I woke up this morning to what I can only describe as a pseudo-hangover… everything was there – the headache, the dry mouth and dehydration, and worst of all, the nausea. Actually, no, that wasn’t worst of all. What was worst of all was that I didn’t drink at all last night! I stayed in and made a bok choy, asparagus, and chicken stir fry (FUTURE POST FORESHADOWING. DUN DUN DUN!) so I can’t fathom why I feel like this. I don’t have a fever or any other symptoms. Just a mild hangover. Curiouser and curiouser…

جاده قوم - Jad'e Qom - The Iranian Countryside between Arak and Tehran

Medical mystery aside, I really didn’t enjoy retching every so often, so I decided to make some ginger tea as a delicious anti-emetic. I found a peppermint tea bag that I thought would go well with it and started the tea kettle. I wanted a little bit of sugar, since I hadn’t eaten anything (it was around noon) and decided to get some honey. Last winter, while on a vacation to the Iranian countryside with my extended family, my dad bought a section of a beehive. It essentially a wooden frame filled with beeswax honeycomb (I couldn’t find a picture of the whole frame). We divided it up between the family and I decided a scoop of honey would be perfect for the tea.

Now, I normally would take a scoop of honey from the tupperware container I keep my portion in, but I wanted to take a picture, so I decided a chunk of honeycomb would look better. Now, I love honeycomb on a piece of bread with butter or even to just chew until I get all the honey. However, after taking the picture, I poured the hot water, added the grated ginger, and the peppermint tea bag. Then, after a moment’s hesitation, I threw the piece of wax dripping with honey into the boiling hot water.

Needless to say, it melted immediately. An oily looking film rose to the surface. I thought I was brilliant. I’d get all the honey flavor and just scoop out all of the wax. I began scooping until it seemed like there was no wax left in the steaming cup. And that’s when I decided to try it.

Appearances are deceiving. I immediately began choking.

Where I Went Wrong

Wax was quickly hardening on every surface on my mouth. My tongue, teeth, lips and throat were coated. I coughed hard and expelled a little ball that was doing its damnedest to give me an ignominious end… death by wax.

I looked down at the cup. The waxy film was back. I emptied the mug into the sink. Wax instantly hardened everywhere. I looked down, tea-less, still sick, with a mouth full of wax and now a mess to clean up.

That mess is still waiting for me as I type this. I’ve been wanting a food blog for quite some time now and had long debated what my first entry should be. Visions of rich cuts of meat and expensive wines and cheeses danced in my head, but I figured this start will set the tone better.

You see, damn near everything I know about cooking I’ve learned through trial and error. Though I AM pretty smart (S-M-R-T!) for drinking liquid wax, hopefully my life and my errors can now serve as an example for others.

LESSON FOR THE DAY: Don’t flavor a cup of tea with a chunk of honeycomb.

Mint Ginger Tea - Wax Optional, Not Recommended

Ginger Tea

This  tea is perfect for nausea. Ginger has been used as an anti-emetic for millenia.

• Ginger – a good average size is about the size of the tip of your thumb, but adjust according to taste
• Water – one mugful
• Tea Bag
• Sweetener – honey, white sugar, brown sugar, raw sugar, processed sugar, maple syrup, sucralose, really whatever floats/sweetens your boat

Boil the water. Grate the ginger. Add the ginger to the mug. Add boiling water. Here is where you add your tea bag if you want to. Cover and steep for a minute or so.  Uncover and add the sweetener of your choice. Alternately, add honeycomb and choke while you drink it.

Spicy, hot, and medicinal.

Oh, and bees are jerks because they don’t make honey without wax.